Saturday, April 14th, 2029 09:40
furiosity: (Default)
``We have no future because our present is too volatile. We have only risk management. The spinning of the given moment's scenarios. Pattern recognition...''
[William Gibson]
furiosity: (romilda likes japan)
tonight while walking to the convenience store for some late-night refreshments, i finally started to figure out why i feel so at home in japan -- more so than anywhere, ever

in my birthplace, i was seen as foreign because of my name. both my surname and first name are decidedly non-russian and were a constant source of stress while i was growing up.
in hungary, my second home, my name was okay, but my russian mother and native russian speaker status made me foreign even after i became fluent in hungarian.
in canada, nobody saw me as a foreigner de facto because i'm white and i lost my accented english fairly quickly, but i always felt like a foreigner because i am not anglo.

in japan i will never be anything but a foreigner, no matter how long i spend working here and how fluent i become in japanese. it feels... honest, like, "you aren't one of us, and we won't try to make you feel like you should try to be one of us, because you literally can't ever"

and i think that was what i needed. no false pretenses, no "if only you can behave in these ways and enjoy these things and speak like this and learn all that, you too can feel like you belong here".

maybe after i am finished with the programme, i will finally learn to accept that i will never feel like i belong anywhere, and that's okay, and hopefully that will give me a better idea of where i want to be. ♥